Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
