youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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