no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize