Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
