am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
