he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
