I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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