im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
