ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
And then he peed in my hair
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