What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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