Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
