i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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