The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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