I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
