Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
