I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
