Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
