We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
