the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's blow job season.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
