I think I died a long time ago.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
