flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
