Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
