i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
