Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
