I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
