I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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