You just made me feel so damn special
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
