my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
