Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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