I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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