My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
