I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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