sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
