You made me cry and you don't even care
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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