i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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