he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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