I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
