I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
