Pappa wants mamma naked
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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