Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
