so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
