Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
