i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
