Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
