maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
