The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
