never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
