I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
