I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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