the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
