I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I need moral support for this bender
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
