I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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